My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Author: Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has just been robbed.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
There's so little money in my bank account my scenic checks show a ghetto.
There's so little money in my bank account my scenic checks show a ghetto.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.