Wisdom worth sharing, words worth remembering.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
A man will go to war fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well it's cheaper and you get more feet.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I want to have children but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
